I don’t remember when I first started feeling this way. Maybe I have always been a wreck deep down. But I don’t wanna be this person who falls apart everytime a bad memory takes the wheel and tries to control where I am going. I know I need help, I dunno where to get it. I see a psychiatrist and a therapist. People around me are trying to help me most of the time. I try my best to be strong for me. But sometimes the pain just takes over and I struggle to swim ashore. I suggested to my father that maybe I should consider ECT and he was heartbroken. But I sometimes I don’t see any other way out. Today, I am wondering if I should be committed to a psych ward. Maybe that would help. But I know what would surely help. I was trying to remember how many pills I had left at home, how many miligrams I required for an overdose. I even thought of a time; when I get home after work, just before my husband comes home. But then I remembered him. My husband. The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind. How can I leave him in such pain? I am not gonna lie that I don’t wanna die. I do. But I wouldn’t. For his sake. I wanna get better for his sake. I am crying for help but there seems to be no answer. How do people go on about their lives as if everything is alright with this wretched world ?